Abstract
In this groundbreaking paper, we intentionally dropped 10,000 slices of buttered toast to prove definitively that the universe hates us. The results show a 99.8% butter-down correlation when wearing a clean white shirt.
Methodology & Tragedy
Here is the full methodology. First, we procured 10,000 slices of standard white bread. We applied exactly 5 grams of salted butter to one side. We then recruited 50 engineers wearing pristine white lab coats. The drops were conducted from a standard dining table height of 0.75 meters. The findings were statistically significant and emotionally devastating... (This is a placeholder for the full tragic log).